My client Tamara had an interesting issue. She wanted a partner to share her life with, but she kept running into the same problem: As soon as she found someone she could see that happening with, she would lose interest.
If you’ve been in a similar situation, fear not: This is actually very normal. Losing interest in the other person is generally a sign of fear of losing yourself in a relationship. Most people have two major fears in relationships: The fear of being rejected and losing the other person, and the fear of losing themselves—of being engulfed and controlled by the other person.
Underlying the fear of losing yourself is the fear of rejection. The reason people lose themselves in relationships is that they believe if they give themselves up and comply with what the other person wants, then they can have control over not being rejected by that person. But giving yourself up to the other person is a rejection of yourself, and the eventual result of this is often a loss of interest in the other person.
You lose love when you lose yourself.
We sustain love when we love ourselves—not when we try to have control over getting love by sacrificing ourselves. When you feel lovable and worthy within because you are loving yourself, you get filled with love, which you can then share with a partner. But if you abandon yourself by giving yourself up and complying with what you think your partner wants, you have no love within to share with your partner.
Often, you give yourself up to try to have control over getting love and avoiding rejection, believing that someone else’s love is what will make you feel full, safe, worthy, and lovable. But trying to get filled and feel a sense of worth by getting your partner’s love is like trying to get filled and have a sense of worth by any other addiction—it feels good for the moment, but it soon leaves you feeling empty, alone, and yearning for more. Eventually, because you can’t share love when you are abandoning yourself, and because you feel empty within from losing yourself, you will lose interest.