Sometimes it can feel like we continually attract romantic partners who are not good for us: They’re unavailable, they’re narcissists, they’re judgmental, or any other undesirable personality type. My clients frequently ask me why they keep getting into relationships with these types of people.
The answer? You’re calling out to them through your energy.
All matter is made up of energy, including human beings, and we send signals out into the world via our energy. We can categorize these signals by their frequency—that is, the rate at which your energy vibrates. To help visualize this, consider how the radio or TV stations work. (I know, I know, most people use apps like Spotify and Netflix nowadays—but stay with me.) Each radio and TV station has a different frequency, which is what enables you to tune into what you want. When you want to tune into a TV station, you turn to a particular channel, which has a particular frequency.
Junk food, junk thoughts, and junk actions can all lower your personal frequency.
Your energy vibrates—meaning, it comes to life—in response to a combination of mental, emotional, and physical stimuli. Thus, a person’s frequency is determined primarily by how they treat themselves and what they put into their body. People who are anxious, depressed, or angry tend to have a lower frequency, whereas people who are peaceful, loving, and joyful tend to have a higher one. Eating clean, unprocessed, organic food also plays a role in keeping your frequency high.
We attract at our common level of vibration, or frequency, which is expressed in the simplest terms as our level of self-love or self-abandonment. Low-frequency people attract other low-frequency people, while high-frequency people attract other high-frequency people.
When you break it down, this makes sense intuitively: People who are generally happy and peaceful (high-frequency people) are not attracted to people who are often anxious or depressed (low-frequency people). Likewise, low-frequency people might feel intimidated or threatened by high-frequency people. The law of attraction states that like attracts like, so in relationships, this means that like frequency attracts like frequency.
How self-abandonment lowers our frequency.
Just as abandoning a young child creates fear and disconnection in the child, abandoning ourselves creates anxiety and depression, creating a lack of energy, a lack of vibrancy, and therefore a low frequency.
Assuming we can easily cut out the unhealthy diet with a little bit of conscious effort, it’s the psychological behaviors that we need to spend time understanding to figure out how they’re negatively affecting our energy.
How are you abandoning yourself? Do you identify with any of these four behaviors?
1. Ignoring your feelings.
Do you stay focused on your mind, ignoring your body, which is where your feelings are? Most of us learned to dissociate from our body because, as children, we could not manage the pain of not being loved in the way we needed to be loved. We could not manage the pain of rejection or abuse, so we learned to avoid our feelings by focusing on our mind instead of on our body.
However, now as adults, ignoring your feelings is a form of self-rejection, just like if you ignore a child’s feelings, the child will immediately feel alone and rejected. You might want to think of your feelings as your inner child. Your inner child becomes anxious, depressed, or angry when you ignore them, and this self-rejection will lower your frequency.
2. Judging yourself.
Over the years, most of us have absorbed many judgments about ourselves, like not being good enough or worthy enough to be loved. Now, you might be pointing these judgments at yourself on your own, which is a major form of self-abandonment. Judging yourself makes you feel anxious, depressed, guilty, ashamed, alone, or empty—all of which will slow your energy’s movement.
3. Numbing your feelings.
What did you see your parents or other caregivers do to avoid their feelings? Did they turn to substances, like food, alcohol, or drugs? Did they turn to activities, like TV, work, or sex? Did they try to manipulate each other or you with anger, blaming, or people-pleasing? What addictions do you turn to numb out and ice your feelings? Turning to addiction is another way of abandoning yourself.
4. Making others responsible for your feelings of self-worth and safety.
Did you grow up believing that others are responsible for how you feel about yourself and whether or not you feel safe? Is this the role-modeling you had as you were growing up? Seeking love or approval from others—rather than learning to love yourself so you can share your love with others—is a form of self-abandonment.
Replacing self-abandonment with self-love.
If you are abandoning yourself in any of these four ways, then you are attracting others who are also abandoning themselves in some of those ways. When you abandon yourself, then you are needy of others’ love to feel you are OK. And two people who are trying to getlove rather than trying to share love inevitably don’t create loving relationships.
When you are loving yourself by learning how to take full responsibility for your happiness, sense of safety, and self-worth, your frequency is high—meaning you’ll attract other people who already love themselves, too.
Loving yourself means embracing and learning from your feelings rather than ignoring them. All of your feelings have vital information for you regarding whether you are taking care of yourself and whether others are being kind or uncaring. Loving yourself means doing kind actions on your own behalf, rather than expecting others to do this for you. You heal your self-judgments when you tune in to the truth of who you really are and learn to treat yourself as the incredible soul you are.
To attract a loving and available partner, you need to become the kind of person you want to attract. When your energy frequency is low—no matter what is causing it—you’ll attract other people whose frequency is also low in some ways. But likewise, the more you can inject your life with positivity—the kind that’ll make your energy vibrate with joy—the more you’ll also attract people whose energy is moving just like yours is. Together, you can create a cycle of good vibrations.